Monday, January 25, 2010

The Top Ten Things This Blog WON'T Be

1. Impractical

Having neither the time nor the GQ Playboy wisdom to create irreverent top tens for everything from political sex scandals to models men want to have sex with, this blog will have an almost singular focus: Men helping men to lead healthier, happier, and hopefully monogamous lives with the people they love; filled with plenty of sex of course. Topics will range from "The Top Ten Signs That Your Kid Might Have Autism" through "The Top Ten Tips For Giving Terrific Oral Sex."

My imaginary "Guide to Blogging" book told me to include the word "sex" four times in my first paragraph to help with "hits." Check.

2. Just About Me

So who the Hell am I to be dishing out such advice!?" you might exclaim. First of all... don't yell at me. Secondly, you're absolutely right. My love of words and abundance of children make me more like Dr. Seuss than Dr. Phil. My hope is that the comment sections will be filled with criticism, alternate top tens, anecdotes of failed/successful use of the blog, platinum credit card numbers, questions, and more. I also plan to recruit some of my friends from time to time.

3. Daily

You know why the NFL is so wildly popular and profitable despite the fact that your team only plays 16 games? (Mine plays more of course :)) It's because they ONLY PLAY 16 GAMES. And even a busy fan's life usually allows them to see most if not all of them if they so choose. I'm hoping for the same kind of lazy loyalty with this blog. I intend to write one every weekend. Unless no one reads it. Or unless it turns out that I actually don't like writing.

4. Long

My polite friends at work have oft-referred to my emails as "a bit wordy." Others have tightened up that criticism to "asshole." I hereby commit to you, my family, and whatever indentured cyborg entities patrol this blogging Interweb that no entry will every be longer than this inaugural constitution of sorts. You know what to call me if I break this promise, but good luck counting all those letters!

5. For Single Men

Here's where I probably lose half of the 7.5 readers my blog and I were hoping to one day ensnare. Observe this well-known fact that I just made up: Single guys have more time, money, and inclination to write helpful blogs, subscribe to Men's Health, any pay their butler to research whatever wild Top Tens strike their surprisingly well tanned fancy. Relationship guys simply don't get the same attention in modern media... and we should. Frankly, I always thought I'd carve out a niche with a sword and territorial peeing, but I guess this is an acceptable e-equivalent.

6. Politically Correct

I'm the father of a 4 year old girl and an infant set of twin girls. I am a middle school teacher who is rarely permitted to speak his mind with students. I am an athiest who is happily married to the love of my life who, oddly enough, happens to be rather religious. I walk on eggshells around an ex-wife for fear of losing even more time with my oldest. In other words, to say that my walking-around life is PC would be to put it mildly. My typing-around life intends to be nothing of the sort. Though I'm told you can't swear on here. And I guess I probably wouldn't anyway. Damn it!

7. Nonymous (Not an acutal word apparently)

I'll be honest with you: My real name won't appear anywhere in this blog. I will not be telling my friends to follow my posts. The reasoning here is simple. The Top Ten Ways Of Dealing With A Bad Teacher could get me fired. The Top Ten Ways To Strike Up A Bromance could earn me an eternity of mockery from the male friends I cherish. (And you should too. Not my friends though. Get your own) And, of course, the Top Ten Sex Toys (That's 6 now) that Men and Women can Enjoy Together could get me uninvited to Thanksgiving Dinner.

8. Macho

Let me be clear. I have absolutely nothing against guys who can fix a gasperator with one hand whilst crushing a beer bottle in the other. Guys who scoff at romantic comedies and would probably scoff at a dragon too. I am just not one of them. I may play sports, watch football, and lift weights, but I also love candles and have never changed a tire. The male gender deserves better than to be pigeonholed and stereotyped into a certain tiny box of so-called "manliness." Men are complex. In other words, this blog won't help you thatch or de-thatch your roof.

9. Angry

I think there are enough angry blogs out there already. Next.

10. Perfect

The only reason I feel remotely qualified to attempt a blog such as this is because, despite my short life to date, I have managed to experience both failures and successes in the realms of health, parenthood, and most spectacularly... love. I read widely and intend to recruit experts when necessary, but I will inevitably screw up anyway. When I do, I hope one of my 3.75 readers will call me on it.

Next Week: The Top Ten Ways To Use Your Child(ren) As Free Weights

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